Yesterday marked one entire week of consecutively meditating each day. Some days were spent in silence. Other days were guided meditations. Yesterday I silently asked questions, specifically about money. Not only were my questions ABOUT money. I had a conversation WITH money.
In the past I have done SOOOO many money courses, manifestation workshops, mantras, affirmations, guided meditations, listening to subconscious meditations/ music/ hertz while I sleep, podcasts, books, journaling, budget apps, classes and my experience with money today is very similar
I imagined myself sitting across the table from money and talking to it. The minute I sat down I got an immediate download. The money didn’t stay in the shape of bills and coins, it transformed into the shape of a man. It wasn’t anyone that I know…it was just a man. It was in that moment of transformation that I realized all of the trauma, grief, unresolved issues I have in relationships directly impacts my relationship with money. I sat across from it becoming more aware of how I feel in it’s presence and the thoughts that come up.
Every memory of abandonment, rejection, judgment.
All the feelings of grief, despair, unworthiness, distrust.
All of it.
And all of it could by tied to how I also feel about money. My relationship with money is tumultuous. One of struggle and distrust of myself. Wondering if I’m doing enough for it to stay. Wondering if I’m worthy of receiving the support it brings. Wondering when it’s going to leave and not come back.
Does any of that sound familiar? It did for me. It sounds a whole fucking lot like every fear I’ve ever had in a relationship.
When the roles reversed and I became money, looking back at myself, sharing my thoughts and feelings from Money’s perspective I heard things like:
“You expect too much from me”
“What I do is never enough”
“You put too much pressure on me”
“You don’t trust me”
“I love you so much and I want to support you but you make it hard to do so”
You see we like to think that all the different areas of our life aren’t connected. Our romantic relationships don’t reflect our financial relationship. Our self care doesn’t affect our professional reality. Our health doesn’t reflect our emotional and mental reality. But that’s just not true.
IT IS ALL CONNECTED.
How we do one thing is how we do everything.
The biggest insight I received during that meditation is that my own feelings of worthiness, self love and appreciation directly impact my ability to attract, hold, circulate and trust money.
Let me be clear, my relationship with my partner is the greatest gift of love I’ve ever been given. We work through things together. We love and support each other on a deep level. Even with all of the beauty, gratitude and healing that has occurred in our relationship, it has become very apparent that I still am healing from past hurts and experiences.
I’m not sure the healing ever stops. It’s like an onion. Each revisit is inviting us to go deeper. Things that I thought I had “gotten over” have surfaced with a vengeance, demanding to be looked at and acknowledged.
All of these phrases are on repeat in my mind. A never ending chant. A calling to go deeper into the feelings I have about MYSELF, separate from who I am as a partner, mother, friend, sister, daughter, human. Coming to a greater realization that all the fears I have about trust, abandonment, rejection and judgment all arise out of what I tell myself (subconsciously or otherwise).
Telling myself I don’t deserve it.
Can I trust my own intuition?
Judging myself – I better not fuck up because then I’ll be too much and they’ll leave.
And every time I talk shit to myself, saying that I’m not worthy of what I want and need.
Rejection. Distrust. Abandonment. Judgment.
Doesn’t sound like a fun place for anyone to stay. Money is no different. We’ve heard it before… “Money is just energy” and it’s true. If like attracts like then it’s no wonder I’m attracting circumstances and situations where I’m being called to heal more deeply. Feelings of lack, frustration and fear and all calling to learn how to trust more readily, love more freely, accept more peacefully.
You cannot get to where you want to go and have what you want to have until you appreciate where youre already at. And when I’m trying to escape where I currently am I am not playing in the quantum realm. The realm where anything is possible in the now moment.
Meditation: Image yourself in a restaurant sitting across from money. Picture money, it’s form and it’s smell. How does it make you feel? What do you want to share with money? Then after you walk thru this, switch roles and become money. Feel what money feels and then look at yourself sitting across from you and tell yourself (from money’s perspective) how you make money feel? What does money think of you? Why? Does money want to work with you. Reflect on the answer. Thank money for the insight, return to your body and end the meditation.
PS. Thank you to my dear sweet soul sister Issy who told me about this meditation.