Addicted to Chaos

Are you addicted to the chaos?

I’m sure your first response is “Hell no! Why would I be addicted to chaos?”

But take a look at your external reality.  

Do you feel anxious when there’s peace and quiet?

Are you able to enjoy your happiness or do you subconsciously start to sabotage it by creating drama and problems?

Is your default state cool, calm and collected?

Or are you habitually uneasy, anxious or avoidant?

We are creatures of habit.  Our minds are designed to keep us “safe and secure” but safe and secure to our minds is what is KNOWN.  We create habits and patterns based on our life experiences and what feels comfortable.  

Notice I didn’t say what feels “good”.  Sometimes the chaos feels really fucking painful but it’s comfortable to your nervous system because it is known.  

You know that you want to feel better in your body, your mind, your energy but you can’t quite shift your patterns.  You crave more freedom, balance and peace in your everyday existence and relationships and yet you find yourself waking up dreading the day and feeling defeated.

For me, chaos shows up as always being “busy”.  

If I’m busy I won’t have to worry about the outside world or the opinions of others.

If I’m busy I can keep my mind in a frenzied state where I’m distracted from my own thoughts and feelings.

If I’m busy then I won’t have to evaluate my life or my decisions.

If I’m busy it means I’m successful, valuable and good enough….

I’ve gotten reallllly good at being busy.

In short, staying busy keeps me from having to sit with myself and my feelings.  It gives me a sense of “accomplishment” – because for the longest time my belief has been that I am only as valuable as I am productive.  

But I’ve also learned that those distractions can become all consuming.  The frenzied state is no longer calming.  It is exhausting

Constantly feeling like I wasn’t enough because I told myself I wasn’t DOING enough is a story that I’d like to no longer tell myself. I crave space and freedom and a quiet mind.  

So now I ask myself what I want to be busy with….

Am I being busy by being intentional or am I merely creating an unnecessary distraction from things that may be uncomfortable.

Being busy does not make you more successful or lovable than the next person.  You are enough.  You are already successful.  You are valuable and lovable just how you are.

So let me say that a little louder for the people in the back (which is me- I’m sitting in the back)…

BEING BUSY DOES NOT MAKE YOU MORE SUCCESSFUL, VALUABLE OR LOVABLE.  YOU ARE ENOUGH JUST AS YOU ARE!

So how do you create a new default/ habit/ perspective and release the chaos?

Start SMALL.  Mantras are one of my favorite ways to bring awareness and shift energy and perspective.

“Everything is going smoothly and works in my favor”

“I am cool, calm and collected.  My emotions are just feedback”

“I am a divine being.  I am whole, perfect and complete just as I am”

“It is safe for me to feel peaceful”

Also, give yourself some compassion and grace.  You are a divine being having a human experience and part of that experience is growing and expanding.  There can be no expansion without contraction also.  Sometimes we fall back into old patterns and habits.  That’s ok.  Pause.  Remind yourself that you’re safe and start again.  

May tomorrow be filled with more moments where you’re just present and alive and a little less “busy”.